Cafe Kivhan Nostalgia

Today, as I sat down at a nearby cafe to work, I realized how the atmosphere felt oddly familiar. Weird. I am in another country. It's a country I'd never been to before. I'm not in China or Taiwan this time; the culture is very different. How could it be familiar? Then it dawned on me; it reminded me of my college days.

I looked around. Almost everyone is on their laptops or with their books. It's like I'm in a bigger and sunnier Cafe Kivhan (study place for pre-pandemic UST students). Then nostalgia came flooding like a punch: I used to be one of these students.

If others had their midlife crisis at around 25, I felt like mine happened in university. It was a struggle I hope I won't ever experience again. I felt like it broke me so much that I still cry about it from time to time until today. But at the same time, when I experience something hard today, I look back at what I experienced back then. It couldn't compare.

At that time, 19-22 year old me thought I would never amount to anything anymore. I was a failure. I felt like a failure. I still feel like a failure for what happened. It will always be a bad mark for me.

But today, as I sit in this familiar environment, I'm filled with much more hope about the future. I feel like I don't lag much behind my peers anymore. I don't get panic attacks when I ride public transportation anymore. I rarely cry at restaurants. I don't feel like fainting every time I walk anymore. I don't dry heave every time I need to show up for something anymore. I don't cancel plans for no reason anymore. It doesn't look like a dead end anymore.

When I do things that normally makes me happy, I feel happy. I never thought I'd ever get back that feeling. Happiness doesn't seem fleeting anymore.

//

I'm super thankful to the people who have been with me during my university days. It's hard to understand why I would spiral down because of perfectionism... so thanks for listening. We may not talk as much now (because I'm too lazy to chat), but I will always remember our times together.

Special thanks to Kuya Ryan for inviting me drinking that one night and going all psych on me. It worked! Thanks din to Kuya JL (if you still remember me) for helping me access meds.